Wives do the laundry, husbands do the yard work – isn’t that how it still works when it comes to household chores in a marriage?

Doing chores is mundane and boring for everyone. Nobody likes cleaning the toilet or taking out the garbage. When both partners in a marriage believe chores are shared equally, everything is peachy keen. The problems arise when one person in a relationship feels overwhelmed because they aren’t getting enough help around the house, leading to feelings of stress and frustration, and ultimately causing increased tension and arguments at home – usually the woman. Most women feel responsible for the chores, even if their partner does help out, she’s usually the one delegating the tasks.

Image Courtesy of Good Enough Mother

Did you know that conflict over domestic duties falls in second place, just after conflict over money in a marriage? When a couple can come up with a plan and divide chores in a way that both feel satisfied with the outcome, they are showing mutual respect for one another, and conflict is averted, yay!

That said, the division of chores has a lot to do with perception.

How do you and your partner divide up the chores and work at home? How much do you think your partner really does?

Try out Emily Post’s Chores IQ Test.

Download and complete the following questionnaire separately and then go over your answers together. Where you agree, celebrate. Where you disagree, it’s time to talk. Find out how much each of you feel like you actually do to help around the house, how much you see the other doing, and what you can improve on.

The post Household Chores in a Marriage | Who Does What? appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

With St. Patricks Day just around the corner, we thought we’d pay tribute to the gorgeous country that has given us some of the oldest and most wonderful wedding traditions that are still followed today, like braids and wildflowers in the bride’s hair, to wedding bells in lieu of clinking glasses and confetti!

Image courtesy of Ann-Kathrin Koch Photography

Ever wonder where the saying, “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” comes from? In the village of Blarney, Ireland sits the legendary Blarney Stone, a bluestone block built into the Blarney Castle’s tower in 1446. Because of this stone, Blarney Castle is one of Ireland’s most popular tourist destinations. Millions of visitors from around the globe travel here annually to kiss the stone.

Legend holds that the kisser of the stone will be endowed with the gift of eloquence, the gift of gab, or skill at flattery. The term ‘blarney’ has become synonymous with flattering, clever or coaxing talk, though the village’s name was derived from the word ‘An blarna,’ the Irish term for ‘the plain.’

image courtesy of jeff.stu-di-o.com

The phrase, ‘tying the knot’ also comes from an old Irish tradition that symbolises the bond of mariage in the same way that the exchanging of rings does nowadays. When a couple is pronounced man and wife at the end of the ceremony, the couple clasp their hands together, and a ribbon, cord, or rope is wound around their joined hands as a symbol of their agreement to spend their lives together.

Image courtesy of Lauren Rutherford

One of our favourite Irish wedding traditions is that every couple should receive a bell as a wedding gift. The bell is placed in the newlywed’s home and when a arguement takes place, one of the couple rings the bell to end the argument and declare a truce without an admission of fault. Talk about effective conflict resolution! The chime of bells is said to keep evil spirits away and also remind the married couple of their wedding vows.

Incorporate this fun tradition into your wedding and give individual bells to your guests as favours to ring during the processional and in place of clinking glasses at the reception.

Another lovely tradition is the Claddagh ring which was named after Claddagh, a fishing village in Galway, Ireland. This ring is handed down from mother to daughter and is used both as the engagement and wedding ring. The hands holding the heart represent friendship and togetherness. Single women traditionally wear the ring on the right hand, with the ring facing outward. When in a relationship, it’s turned inwards, indicating the woman is ‘taken.’

The ring is moved to the left hand when the wearer becomes engaged, with the crown pointing outward, and it is turned inward on that hand once married. Today, it is still used as a wedding ring and it is considered improper for a person to buy one for him or herself; it must be given as a gift.

In the 18th and 19th centuries, the Irish believed that if the sun shone on the bride, it would bring good luck to the couple. It was also lucky to hear a cuckoo on the wedding morning or to see three magpies.

A funny tradition also … since Irish men were known for getting cold feet on their wedding days, once the bride and groom were in the church, the guests would lock the door to keep the groom inside, thus making sure that he went through with the ceremony.

And the very best tradition? The Kilt. The pattern or the kilt represents family heritage, so what better day than the day you say your I DO’s to incorporate this into your wedding day? It takes a bold man to pull this look off but when they do it is so fun. And, it’s even better if the groom can get the groomsmen involved!

The post Marriage Manners Monday | Kiss Me I’m Irish | Irish Wedding Traditions appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

All images courtesy of Katya Nova Photography 

You get in bed together. Your husband turns to you and says, “Let’s have sex.” But, you’re still angry about the fight you had earlier that evening, perhaps, and so you roll away and say, “I’m not in the mood,” before going to sleep.

Well guess what? You have just used sex as a weapon. Controlling the amount and timing of sex can be a way to gain power in a relationship, and so many women do it, sometimes without even realising.

I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of this myself. When my husband and I get in an argument, even if we make up, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex. On the other hand, that’s the first thing he feels like doing. And his reaction is probably the right one. Sex can, and should be, used to deepen your connection to each other and as a pronouncement of love not as power. Unintentionally, by having that reaction, I was punishing him because somewhere in the back of my mind, I don’t feel like he deserves to be intimate with me for how he acted earlier.

The difference between men and women is that most men don’t care if you’re mad at them, they will still want to have sex. And, more often than not, when a man is satisfied physically, he will go the extra mile to be the protector, provider and partner you want him to be.

Turning your man down repeatedly will begin to play with his self-esteem. If you haven’t realised this yet, men are driven by ego.  So, turning him away makes him question his self-worth and leads him to wonder if he’s satisfying you, if he’s turned you off, or if you even want him anymore. What ensues are feelings of anger and frustration, which might start to be reflected in other areas of your relationship.

This why you always hear that communication is the key to a healthy relationship – we think so too!

As a side note, men are visual beings. Wearing sweatpants every day, never getting dolled up for a night out anymore sends out the message that you don’t want to be attractive to your man. Attraction is a visual experience for men. As old-fashioned and archaic as it may sound, when you said the words “I do” and pledged your undying love, you also pledged to satisfy your husband’s most basic desire.

Of course, all the blame can’t lie in the hands of women. Men also need to realise that their husbandly duties go far beyond getting up for work every day; they need to take the time to find out which of their woman’s needs aren’t being met to make her not want to have sex.

Have you seen the movie, Annie Hall? It depicts two lovers with different perceptions of their sexual relationship. When a therapist asks them separately how often they have sex, the character played by Woody Allen answers, “Hardly ever, maybe three times a week.” The character played by Diane Keaton replies, “Constantly, three times a week.”

What a lot of men don’t realise is that a women’s sexual desires are usually connected with her emotional desires. And what many women don’t realise is that men don’t connect sex and emotional desires in the same way as they do.

So ladies, enjoy the fact that your husband wants you, all the time. Gentlemen, realise that all the time is more than most women can handle. Marriage is about compromising.

Instead of not having or withholding sex at the first sign of trouble or an argument, use it to get back on track. It’s a scientific fact that having regular sex improves your quality of life. Getting married doesn’t mean the death of hot sex, but it will take an effort on both ends to keep it steamy in the years to come.

According to a study at Queen’s University in Belfast, Ireland, having sex releases the feel-good chemical Oxytocin (aka the cuddle hormone) which makes couples feel loving and more bonded. It promotes feelings of affection, safety, trust and contentment. Making love soothes the bad feelings. So, couples who have regular sexual intercourse are more emotionally intimate and communicate much better, which means less arguments to begin with.

And remember, your sexual relationship shouldn’t be a topic that you can’t discuss freely and frankly with your spouse. Be open, honest and always ready to communicate on this subject. Simply put – having sex makes everything better and is better for you than not having sex.

There may be times when the two of you are having trouble communicating and connecting with eachother. Kids, friends, work and hobbies can very easily get in the way of maintaining a good relationship.  If you’re having trouble in your marriage, it will get worse if you’re not connecting sexually.

So, use your spare time together wisely. Fiancees and husbands, you can thank us later

Questions to ponder:

• Do you feel comfortable sharing your desires with your partner?
• How many times a week do you expect to have sex in your marriage?
• Are you happy with your sex life?
• What do you love about your sex life?
• What do you wish was different?
• Are you satisfied with the amount of affection received from your partner?
• Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
• What are your expectations of your sexual relationship?

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Ten: Sex appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

This week for ten things to talk about before marriage, we’re discussing conflict resolution.  How do you talk to each other? Do you listen? Do you feel understood? These are all very important things to iron out before the big day.

Communication usually comes easily to most engaged and newlywed couples. You feel like you can talk to each other about anything – you might even find it hard to understand why married couples fight.

Or maybe you have already had some arguments and are worried about how to make things go more smoothly in the future. Wedding planning can bring up all kinds of disagreements, from family matters to financial issues.

Photo : Gabriel Ryan Photographers

It’s totally natural for you to have different approaches towards how to handle certain situations and problems and to have different opinions on all kinds of issues. The way we handle problems, more than the problems themselves, often can be the real problem. Conflict is natural, people in a relationship are always going to have differences. As couples become closer, their differences can sometimes cause disagreements.

Thankfully, conflict can be a positive thing if it is resolved in a healthy way. Love and respect are absolutely key in handling conflict – so keep in mind that your goal is to resolve the issue at hand and not to hurt your partner.

Questions to go over with your partner to learn how you as a couple deal with conflict and how to improve upon how you do (there’s always room for improvement):

- How did your parents deal with conflict?

– How will we make decisions together?

– Are we both willing to face up to the difficult areas, or do we try to avoid conflict?

- Do you think we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding?

- Do we handle conflict well?

- How are we different?

- Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?

- Do you expect or want me to change?

- Can we both forgive?

- Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?

– What are your perpetual issues?

- Do you have the same approaches to communication?

- Are there certain communication techniques that work better for you?

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Nine: Conflict Resolution appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

When you’re in love, it’s easy to overlook some of the important discussions you should have before you say “I do.” So, for this week of “Ten Things to Talk About Before Marriage,” we’re discussing another one of those important chats you and your sweetie should have – personal values and the importance of religion in your daily life.

It’s likely that you’re marrying someone who has similar values and shares the same views on life as you. Whether you’re an interfaith couple, or you share the same beliefs, you must discuss the role of religion and personal values in your relationship. It’s usually only after it causes a major argument later in life that some couples realise how different their beliefs really are and how they play a bigger role in marriage than they expected.

Statistics say that couples who have the same faith have a better chance at making it. Of course it helps to share similar values, beliefs and interests, but it’s being loving, caring, having good communication and mutual respect of each other’s beliefs with no intention to change them that is so much more important. Many people are happily married to people of other faiths, beliefs, religions and with different values.

Unfortunately, religion is often one of the biggest relationship ‘deal breakers.’ But by being open and taking the time to understand and accept your partner’s system of beliefs, dreams, needs and desires, and by being willing to put in an effort to create a game plan for your life together, the transition into marriage and planning your life as a couple, having and raising children, will go much more smoothly.

Religion will unavoidably come up when planning your ceremony, so why not talk about it before that.

Photo : Anna Kuperberg

Will it be held in a church/mosque/synagogue or in a non-religious place like a garden, golf course, restaurant or simply in your own backyard? Who gets to decide this? Your families may also try to influence the role of religion in your relationship during this time. We came across this issue while planning our ceremony last summer. The week we got engaged, my dad insisted that we had to have the ceremony in a church – neither my husband or I wanted that.

Instead we opted for a gorgeous garden at a heritage venue, with our family friend and old pastor as our commissioner. We also took pre-marital classes with him, after my dad insisted on them numerous time, which we were hesitant about, but ended up loving because we discussed all these things before walking down the aisle.

Like all things, it is about being able to compromise.

People often take religious issues much more seriously after marriage than before, and even more so after having children. Of all the challenges couples will face is how they will raise their children, and many families also like to get involved when little ones come into the picture. But it’s so important that the two of you decide how you will practise or not practise faith in your own family.  

Questions to consider:

• Does religion play an important part in your life?

• Do you have similar and/or different values?

• How will you treat your religious differences?

• How important is church/synagogue/mosque attendance?

• Will you both take the children to church/synagogue/mosque?

• How important is religion, and how will you teach your kids?

• What will you do if your child wants to experience other faiths?

• What holidays will you celebrate with your family?

• Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage?

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Eight: Religion and Values appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

For week seven of 10 things to talk about before marriage, we’re discussing the importance of talking about your career aspirations and goals with your soon-to-be-spouse before you make the big commitment of spending your future together.

First things first – your current job. You’ve already discussed your salaries and financial goals after reading last week’s post on hashing out your finances, but what are each of your individual career goals in your current jobs? Do you plan to get a promotion in the next year? Or possibly move on to a different company, even a different role? Discuss and create your one, five and 10 year plans together.

Maybe you or your soon-to-be spouse are on a lifelong career path and have a plan already set out – so share your plans. It’s so important to be honest about things like relocation to another city if a job offer comes up as well as the possibility of needing additional education in the future to get you to where you aspire to be in your career. It’s even important to come up with a plan in case one of you loses your job.

If you are a young couple, you may or may not be fully established in your respective careers, making it difficult to foresee the future and to find a balance between investing your time in your marriage, as well as in your career.

Some topics to discuss:

• Does one of you want to own your own business, or be an entrepreneur? There are a lot of sacrifices and risks involves with that, so it’s important to know you have a partner who will stand by you  through every bump in the road and every victory.

• Do both of you have a strong work ethic? Or does one of you need a little more motivation to get through their workload?

• How will having children affect your well-thought-out career plans? Will one of you be a stay-at-home mom or dad? 

• Are you willing to set boundaries at work to ensure that your family gets the attention they require and deserve?

• What type of support does your spouse expect from you when it comes to their career choice, whether it be financial or emotional?

• How much quality time to you expect to spend with your spouse when they are working long hours or have demanding projects?

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Seven: Career Plans appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

Although it may not be the most romantic conversation you’ll ever have, it is essential to talk about your finances before you walk down the aisle. Money troubles cause a lot of problems in many relationships and are, unfortunately, one of the leading causes of divorce. We think discussing the financial aspect of your relationship before it has the chance to create any tension in your marriage just might be the most important topic in our ten things to talk about before marriage series.

A survey conducted by American Express Financial Advisors revealed that 66 per cent of North Americans spend more time thinking about money and careers than they do about sex, health, or relationships. Basically, we spend 80 per cent of our waking hours earning money, spending money, or thinking about money.

Photo : Gucio Photography

Planning out your finances with your other half doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. You can make it enjoyable –  grab a bottle of wine at your favourite restaurant, armed with pens and a notepad, and work your way through the following important financial topics:

Talk about each of your salaries. You should know exactly how much each of you earns separately and combined to figure out what tax bracket you will be in. Discuss when your last pay increase was, and when you expect to receive your next one.

Talk about all your debt.  Have mortgages, student loans, car loans or lines of credit? Now isn’t the time for secrets -it’s time to completely come clean about financial matters.  If you have debt, tell your partner about it. Discuss how that debt will impact your finances for the next few years and how you can work together to manage and pay off the debt. Find out if you are behind on any payments and if you are, come up with a plan to get caught up.

Discuss your credit card habits. When do you use your credit cards? Do you pay the minimum amount each month, or pay it in full each month? Add up all the credit card debt you both have and devise a plan to pay that off. Set a date when you want to have that debt settled by.

Talk about all the accounts you have, including your precious savings. How many accounts do you have? Savings accounts, checking accounts? Talk about how much money is in each of them and what you’ve been saving it for. Decide if you should have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both.

Outline your income and spending patterns so you can create a budget. Agree on a realistic budget, don’t be stingy –  a realistic budget is much more likely to be successful in long-term.  Make plan to pay off debt that suit both of your needs. Do you have a monthly gym membership? Medical expenses? Think through the expenses you have, write them down and combine your lists. A lot of problems occur when one partner thinks the other should be more careful about spending.

According to Good Financial‘s post on, “How to Rock Your First Year of Marriage,”  a common question is “Should I invest, or pay down my debt?” Usually, interest on debt is higher than on your investment. Plus debt is guaranteed, returns from your investment are not.

A great app to download is Mint; it taps into your online banking, breaks down your income and expenses, and from there creates a budget for you which is completely customisable. It also categorises all of your spending habits – gas, groceries, restaurants, fitness and so on, so you know exactly where your money is going and truly makes managing your money easy. If you and your partner have separate accounts, you can add more than one bank account to your Mint account, combining your finances. My husband and I tried it out this weekend at our annual goal planning day, and realised how much time it’s going to save us – instead of documenting all our expenses by hand, keeping receipts and using excel sheets, Mint takes care of it all for you.

Decide who is responsible. Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time and which accounts will be used to pay those bills? Some couples find it easier to assign one person to pay all the bills while other couples divide the responsibility. Some find the best way is to set-up automatic bill payments. There is no right or wrong answer when planning out your finances, finding out what works for you as a couple is the important part.

Plan out your financial goals. This is the fun part, where you get to decide together how you are going to spend your money. Do you plan on buying a car, going on an African safari, buying a house, having children, heading back to school, or making investments? Make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to deciding on goals. Have a conversation about how each of you sees your financial future and what you are willing to do to make it happen in the next year, five years and 10 years.

More questions to go over:

•  Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?
•  Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?
•  Where does our money go?
•  Do we agree on how to spend money?
•  What is our future plan for purchasing a home? How soon?
•  Do we both know where our important financial documents are located?
•  Are we both satisfied about decisions about saving?
•  Are major debts a problem? Who should have control over the money we have?
•  Will we be donating to charity?

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Six: Finances appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

This week for 10 things to talk about before marriage, we’re discussing the time spent together and apart from our partners. Finding that balance between spending quality time together doing things you both love and talking about the need for time alone and friendship outside of your marriage is so important in the success of any relationship.

Image courtesy of Datingish.com

Do you envision spending your Saturday nights snuggling with your sweetie, watching movies and simply enjoying quality time together from the comfort of your own home? Or do you picture spending your weekends exploring your city, going to markets all around town and always trying out new restaurants and outdoor activities with friends? Your partner may have a different idea about how to spend his Saturday nights and weekends. Discuss these things and don’t make the assumption that your partner will always want to do the same things as you,  this can lead to unnecessary disappointment.

There is no right answer of how much time a couple should spend together and apart, it depends on your relationship, but it’s scientific fact that spending time apart promotes an appreciation of your marriage and each other and that we have more interest in our spouse if we spend time apart. Birth rates increase after war veterans return home. Primates celebrate the return of the hunter to the group after a long absence. So, when you hear the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder – there is a lot of truth to it. So, going out and doing things without your honey can be good for your marriage.

Our relationship started off different than most, we were roommates before falling in love, so right from the start we were together nearly every day and every night for three months straight  - we didn’t really have any other option living just a floor apart. Those three months were amazing, our living situation really sped up the ‘getting to know each other and dating period’ of our relationship. After those three months we spent eight months in a long distance relationship, from one extreme to the next, with just two week visits together here and there every few months – A visit to Vancouver by him for two weeks to meet my family, a visit from me to London for a month while he had knee surgery, and then another visit by him in June to propose to me. After that there was one visit to celebrate our engagement with his family in Iceland and after that it was just the waiting game until his Canadian permanent residency came through.

Although it was a very testing and hard being apart for such long stretches, I still say our relationship was at it’s very strongest during the months we spent apart and has made our marriage that much stronger as a result. We talked every day, used skype, wrote letters and emails every week, and we planned trips to visit each other always making sure we had something to look forward to together. The thrill and romance of our relationship was so exciting. Time apart is a great foundation for a relationship to be built upon, because you truly value your time spent together when you are in the same place and there’s no time for arguing, just enjoying eachother’s company. Now, we really do value our marriage and being able to live together, as much as we value our time apart spent with friends, but sometimes it still sn’t always easy to find the perfect balance.

For many happily married couples their secret is time apart,  giving each other space and independence. So, you shouldn’t feel guilty for considering a night out or weekend away without your spouse. But don’t do it to prove a point, if you want to go to an event or plan a trip without him, talk about it and encourage him to do the same. Be confident, honest and loving when you ask.

In an article written for The Huffington Post, author Laurie Plum says “Don’t ignore any jealousy and/or trust issues that might surface. If she thinks, ‘I just don’t like the idea of his being out with the guys drinking, and doing whatever,’ or he thinks, ‘she doesn’t need to go out to a bar and be hit on by single guys,’ then you should remove these obstacles by putting your cards on the table and talking about what you actually do when you’re out and about.”

Time apart allows you both to be independant and have strong friendships, and the stronger your friendships are the more time he gets to be himself and vice versa. Do crafts and shopping with your girlfriends and let him watch the football game with his buddies who actually want to watch it or go golfing with the guys. When you aren’t looking soley to one another fill eachother’s social needs, you appreciate each other for who you are and can connect much better. Embrace the fact that you each have individual interests as well as similar ones.

We get our ideas of how much time should be spent together and apart from our own families, as discussed in previous weeks. Different families have different styles. Some families emphasize closeness, while others accentuate individual needs and activities. Your partner will have different expectations shaped by their family experience, so you may have to find a new balance. Some couples may be on the opposite end of the spectrum and spend too much time apart when one of both of you are very busy with work or other hobbies, it’s important to set time aside for each other.

Ask each other these questions to get the conversation going:

• What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
• How do you want to spend our days off?
• Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
• Can we each pursue our own interests?
• Do you need or want time alone?
• How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?
• How will we make sure we have quality time together?

This is one of my favourite DIY projects ever that fits in perfectly with planning time together. It is date night in a jar, from Life in the Green House.

It’s a great idea to have one special day or night a week set aside to spend together, a saturday or sunday works best since you can do whatever the activity is at anytime during the day. Each of you can write on the popsicle sticks things that you would really like to do together, and stick them all into a mason jar and draw one out each week.

Red sticks have more expensive dates on them that require planning onyour part, like a concert and dinner your choice and his choice, or a night at a cute bed and breakfast.

Dark pink sticks have ‘at home’ dates – a football game and nachos or homemade pizzas and an Italian movie.

Light Pink dates have things you can do away from home but are less expensive than the red and don’t require as much planning, think laser tag and go carts or dinner and a movie.

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Five: Time spent together and apart | Marriage Manners appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

So, you’re ready to make a lifelong commitment to each other! But there is also the important question down the road of another lifelong commitment – having children. While you might assume that children are an obvious part of marriage, your partner may not feel the same. Have you and your sweetie discussed whether or not you both want to start your own little family?

Photo : Alicia-Rae Light

Maybe one of you wants children and the other doesn’t. Or maybe one of you isn’t sure but is open to discussing the issue in the future. If your husband-to-be says that he doesn’t want children, don’t be tempted to think that by marrying him you will eventually change his views. If you are in total disagreement on children, this can lead to problems later in your relationship. Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake, so before you check anything else off on your wedding to-do list, take the time to have the discussion with your partner. Maybe you’re in complete agreement – but, even if your thoughts are similar there are still many more things to discuss.

For example: When are you going to both be ready to have children? Many people will argue that nobody is ever truly ready to become a parent. Kids may be a far off thought and not coming for years, or you may be planning to have them right away. Either way, it’s important to talk about these things and be on the same page before baby number one is already on the way.

Another important question: How many kids do each of you you have in mind? And, if you can’t have biological children, would you consider adoption or in vitro fertilisation? Once you have kids, how do you plan on raising them? Do you share the same discipline philosophy as each other and where does that come from? Dig into each other’s expectations about kids and make sure your expectations are compatible.

One of the biggest and most important things to talk about is how will you provide financially for your child(ren). When will you start saving for the child’s future? Here is some great info from Good Financial on saving for your child’s future, and how it’s never too early.

Talk about how each of your families raised you. These can vastly affect the way you choose to raise your own children. Talk about what you agree with and what you don’t.

What traditions did you grow up with? Every family has traditions that guide everyday life and special events, which according to Emily Post, drive respectful behaviour. The way you celebrate birthdays, say grace at the table, have dinner together three nights a week, and make turkey with wild rice stuffing on Thanksgiving – these are all traditions that vary from family to family. Traditions are an integral part of the culture of a home.  New or old, they reflect the “family” who lives there.

As mentioned last week in our “Connection to Family” week three post, when two people marry, they gain “instant parents.” Each family has its own customs traditions as well as expectations which may differ widely. Even when family cultures are similar, they aren’t exactly the same and everyone must be prepared to make adjustments.

It’s also important to consider what happens to your relationship when you have children. Forgetting about each other and your relationship is easy but it’s so important to remember that you need to focus on your marriage as much as on the children – that’s the key to keeping your marriage strong.

According to Prepare/Enrich National Survey of Marital Strengths, a majority (64 per cent) of married couples report that partners give more attention to the children than to the marriage. Ultimately, by the time one or both parents are done taking care of the children, they have little time left for each other or for the marriage.

So consider all your options and how having children will change your life and your marriage. No more “us” before anything else, no more free schedule. Think of creative ways to keep the spark alive, date nights, lunches etc.

Have some fun with it, and answer the questions above, and these below together:

• How long should we be married for, before having children?
• What kind of parent do you think you will be?
• Will one of us stay home after we have children?
• What was your childhood like?
• How were you disciplined?
• How affectionate was your family with eachother?
• What about school? Home school? A religious school? Public school?
• How will having a child change the way we live now?

Happy planning and discussing!

The post Ten Things to Talk About Before Marriage | Week Four: Children + Parenting | Marriage Manners Monday appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.

Today, in our third of ten weeks of Marriage Prep 101, we’re discussing connection to family.

Photo : Sourced from Marriage&Family Website

In marrying another person, you are also marrying their family, and it’s good to know something about that family before you enter into a lifelong partnership. Like how much of a part of your life do they want to be—and how involved (or uninvolved) do both of you want them to be? Before you tie the knot, it’s important to lay your expectations out up front.

Will Christmas Eve this year be spent with your family and Christmas day with your partner’s? This question is going to come up year after year and can be a very touchy subject. Thankfully for me, my husband’s family lives in Iceland and we discussed a plan long ago – to rotate countries each year, one Christmas here in Vancouver, the other there in Reykjavik, Iceland – it just made sense to us to have it that simple.

Even if it doesn’t seem important now, when you’re in the same city, or close enough to divide the days of the holiday up between both families it can become a source of conflict, especially when everyone doesn’t feel like they are getting a fair share of your time. You may be very close with your family, and you may have never spent the holidays apart, but you also have to accept the importance of your partner’s relationship with his family, and vice versa. It is no longer “I” but “we”; marriage is a partnership, and learning how to manage and keep both extended families happy is a real challenge.

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages says, “Before you get married, spend some time with his mother and dad and her mother and dad. Even if they’re separated, spend time with them, because one of the factors is you’re going to have to relate to these people. It’s either going to be a good relationship or a poor relationship, but you do have to relate to them. So expose yourself to how they treat each other. What are the dynamics in that marriage? Because those dynamics also influenced your spouse.”

Setting boundaries are also important. How much time will you spend with your in-laws? And how can you respect them, but also have your own unique relationship?

According to Prepare/Enrich, the two main things to consider and talk about with your future spouse are closeness and flexibility. Closeness referring to how emotionally connected you feel to your partner and your family, and flexibility referring to how open couples and family are to change.

Use the questions below to discuss the differences and similarities between your families:

1/ What are family gatherings during a holiday like?

2/ How does your family usually celebrate a birthdays or anniversaries?

3/ Is your family an affectionate one?

4/ What is it like at dinner time/meal time and what are their traditions or customs that are followed?

5/ How is your family at adjusting to a stressful change (i.e. a move, job transition, illness, death)?

6/ How did your parents handle discipline and parenting responsibilities?

7/ If your parents have set a poor example in any area, are you destined to repeat it?

8/ What do you admire about your parents? How do you want to be like them in marriage? How do you want to be different?

9/ Describe the closeness in your parent’s marriage.

10/ Describe the flexibility in your parent’s marriage.

Now compare both of your answers:

1/ How similar or different were your families in terms of closeness and flexibility?

2/ How might the similarities or differences impact your current relationship?

3/ What values do you want to bring from your family and parent’s relationship into your marriage?

4/ What from your family and parent’s relationship would you not like bring into your marriage?

5/ How satisfied are you with the current level of closeness and flexibility in your couple relationship?

6/ Consider ways you might increase or decrease closeness and flexibility?

For some more tips, read this article from The Gloss, it’s a modern girl’s take on the age old thing we do – marriage!

The post Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Three: Connection to family | Marriage Manners Monday appeared first on Heirloom Magazine | Vancouver Wedding Magazine.